Gory Girl Blogs December 2009

Birds of a Feather

This is a simple story and a heart felt one for all of you...and it's true!

About 7 years ago I lived in a very nice neighborhood and there were quite a few Pigeons in the area. Now, I am not found of those particular birds, for the simple fact that they are dirty and become a nuisance but I am a bird lover, so I tolerate them.

One day we found a lone Pigeon on our front lawn and you could easily see that he was hurt. The poor bird just kept limping around. He was there everyday just walking (limping) in circles. I decided to call him 'Gimp'. I started to feel sorry for the bird, so I proceeded to give him some feed and a bowl of water. He stayed around and just gimped around my front yard. I then found myself looking after him everyday. This went on for about 2 weeks. One morning I went to check on him and as I opened my front door, I found him on my doorstep, dead.

My heart kind of broke at that point because it was like he was thanking me for taking care of him and he came to me before he died. Now this might sound corny, but it did make me sad. So, this is the first episode of 'Birds' that have come into my life.

After about 6 months, I moved to a more upscaled neighborhood and for some reason there were no Pigeons in this area. Good, I said!! This home had large double doors and etched glass windows. On the doors I hung 2 artificial wreaths. One day, while my husband was sweeping the sidewalk, he noticed a nest in one of the wreaths. He peeked in and found 3 eggs in it. Then he saw a mother Sparrow lurching at him from the nearby tree. I decided not to use the front door until the babies hatched. I even went so far as to put a sign on the door for the mailman to go around the side for any delivery. So, here I go again, only Sparrows this time!

After a few weeks, the birds hatched and I watched them grow through the glass window, as you can see in the pictures. Well one day, it was time for the babies to fly and leave their little home and to my surprise, I was able to witness that precious moment.

They left, and I never saw them again. Another sad, but memorable moment.

Now, a few weeks ago, I had all my windows washed, inside and out. It's pricey but it was needed. My windows looked fabulous! Then one day, I am in my kitchen and I hear a large thud!! I look around, and see nothing. Later that day, as the sun starts to set, I see an image in the window and lo and behold, the perfect image of the bird that hit my window...the thud!!! I snapped this picture, and you can see how perfect it is.

Well, this wasn't an emotional moment, but it was weird, because it happened twice, yes, two birds hit the same window in a 2 day span.

So, there is my little story of the birds in my life, however, there is one special bird that is my little buddy and my "travel by car" companion. He is a Senegal Parrot that was given to me by my daughter in law. She hand fed him as a baby and took time and great pride in his growing. One day, she decided to give him to me and I guess this is how another bird made their way over to me, via love.

His name is Shakespeare and he has a special place in my heart. He somehow always makes me laugh with his silly antics, he definitely is my little fine feathered friend for life!

Attack of the tequila shooter

Having teens is... um... fun... (note the sarcasm in my commentary).

I have a daughter who is 22 - she never prepared me for teenage boys. I tell her that all the time... she just laughs... (She'll find out some day that I am not joking!).

I feel you need to know... I don't drink, smoke, do drugs (though there are days I feel I should!) I am a yoga loving veg head. Boring, I know, but my husband seems to enjoy the fact that he makes up for my lack of bad habits (he doesn't do the drugs tho...).

Now, don’t take this as being self-righteous – I'm not – but I just don't get people's desire to get inebriated. I mean you look like crap the next day, and feel like road kill. A glass of wine with dinner makes sense, a few Bahama Mama’s on the beach is probably fun... but doing tequila shooters until you’re ready to puke your toenails out just doesn't make any sense to me.

Yet this is what my 16 year old did two years ago in Mexico. (I told that man I am married to that he should have taken the ADULT wristband off the child - he nixed my concern) So the night before we were due to go on a $650 excursion - he and his not-as-responsible-as-he-should-be older brother went out and hit the bar.

The next morning (which comes amazingly fast when you go to bed at 3 and have to get up at 6) we all met up for an early breakfast, and the child looked... GREEN. Being the mom that I am I cruelly told him to eat up... not sure what we were going to be fed at the Mayan village. He stared back at me in a semi conscious state and took off to the bathroom.

We all met at 7:30 at the front of the resort and hopped into a van that carried 13 people (not including the driver) there were 4 couples and us. It was a good hour drive, and we all had our ipods so I popped my buds in and relaxed. 15 minutes into the ride, my youngest, who was sitting in front with his brother, turns to his father and says something. There wasn't much of a reaction from my husband, so I deftly ignored the niggling little voice in the back of my brain that said... this is not good! A few minutes later my son does the same thing - STILL no reaction from the husband. Now... denial never lasts very long for me, usually I have to do something about whatever appears to be going on, so I pop the earbuds out and turn to my husband, asking him what my youngest child just said to him. Husband shrugs and says... "He thinks he’s gonna puke!"

People... I am not sure about you all, but if someone tells me they are going to puke in a van with 9 other people, I usually jump into action... I mean... I don't IGNORE the comment. Mom mode immediately kicked in, and I was about to tell the child to move into the empty front seat, and let loose out the window, when he let it fly - ALL OVER THE VAN. I am not sure what tequila smells like, but what came out of him had the odour of rotten grape Gatorade (my oldest son’s ineffective solution to a hangover) mixed with a little egg (breakfast).

Well - the guide drove around with my kid's stomach contents sloshing around the front and middle seats until she found a local store, where she stopped. It was my husband who went in and bought cleaning solution, and paper towels, and YES I let him clean it up, too (my revenge for allowing the adult wristband, AND ignoring my son’s first warning). The poor guide ended up cleaning puke out of her boots (because he had been sitting behind her when he blew), and yeah... we were known as team hangover for the rest of the trip. I have to admit, it is funny, in retrospect. I mean we made the kid canoe, hike a mile, zipline, go for a swim in a cenote, bike 3 miles into the ruins, climb the ruins, and bike three miles out... all the while we delighted in his torment.

Ahhh... the joys of all inclusive travel.

Last year went off without a hitch... or at least we didn't have one - that I noticed.

But this year we are doing back to Mexico (Cozumel specifically) after dickering over whether we wanted to remortgage the house to pay for a cruise that didn't have all inclusive booze. I was thinking it might be a good thing... I mean then it would cut down on the amount of alcohol the 5 teens would take in... Not so, says the husband since they can run a tab - so it’s back to another all inclusive and this year I am bringing a camera... and booking another strenuous excursion... grin... This time I will have blackmail photos.

You Can't Take it With You

Today was a day of really annoying things like death and taxes.

Being that I have 3 children and travel a lot my husband and I do the responsible thing and try and do a 'Living Will' so that if we die things are all sorted out.

Well that came with all kinds of this and that tax things. It seems that when you finally are fortunate enough to make a little money you get to graduate to the bigger tax bracket. Yipeeeee and no, I didn't win anything when they upped me, as a matter of fact I think a Government 'thank you' card is in order at the very least.

So back to my point, I pay 35% tax on every dollar earned, so that rounds out to 65 cents or there about. Then there is the other commissions and whatnot so all in all lets say 50 cents on the dollar...and that's even a bit high but it's an even number.

So when we die my children will have to pay 45% death tax on the already taxed money we left. That leaves them with 5 FUCKING CENTS, yep, that's right 45% on anything left including all property. WOW! That just sucks, so now I know why all these people like Bill Gates have all these foundations and give so much to charities and why most rich kids are driving fancy cars and parents are buying them houses and what not. BECAUSE you can't leave them anything so may as well spend it.

I even looked in to becoming an Italian citizen (only 4% death tax there and I along with my kids are eligible thanks to my Dad)) but that won't pan out cos if I denounce America they freeze everything and keep it. Fuckers.

They have every angle covered. I am sure for most Americans this is not the sort of problem they worry about and I am sure a few out there are even saying "well that's more than I make so what's the problem" but when you work hard and want to save for your kids and their kids it really lets the air out of your balloon to find out it doesn't mean shit.

They even have a name for it 'redistribution of wealth' so they take my wealth and spread it around. No generational wealth anymore. So my attitude is "Shit if I cant take it with me and I cant give it to my kids I'm gonna do everything I can to live my life".

Oh and life insurance, well that's a whole other racket. Sure we will insure you cheap when young but don't go aging on us or you won't be able to afford the premiums. No wonder half of Americans are uninsured - it's like legally being fucking robbed until you can't rob anymore. It's left a bad taste in my mouth about the Government today and I really don't think that things will ever go back in the 'peoples favor' again and that just sucks.

So I'm pissed off tonight and saddened by the future and my children having to deal with this shit and by the time they are my age who knows how much worse it will actually be. Eventually there will be a revolt maybe not in my or my kids lifetime but eventually there will be...

...and I will be smiling from the grave when it happens.

Lazy Sunday

Today was an ideal day of nothingness and boy did I need it.

I got a chance to finish up all the wrapping while my kids were out of the house. My husband, bless his heart, took them over to a friends for the entire day and I was able to get a ton done...well, 'not really'. See in my house Santa wraps the gifts in Santa Paper and each kid gets his own special paper ;) and so Santa was in full force wrapping today and got it all finished.

Then my nail goddess flew in to LA and I had a lovely mani/pedi and knocked out 2 birds by having her fly with my father and help him to the car. Then it was off to get the pets their christmas gifts. Yes, I am a dork that way and wrap things for the dogs to unwrap and now they know that a tree lit up means goodies for them so I had to get that done. While I was at the pet store I saw these hats for the dogs and thought why not have a little doggie Christmas photo shoot? Yes, I have far too much time on my hands obviously... So I got my Bull Mastiff a Santa hat and jingle collar, my Australian Shepherd got reindeer ears and the Papillon got an elf suit!

I think at this point I was just bored and trying to make myself laugh. I got home and dressed them all up and tried to get the coveted pic of them all together in front of a nicely lit tree. YEAH RIGHT!! Like that was really going to happen (moment of delusion from lack of things to occupy my time). Then I thought, "Ok maybe a treat will get them to all sit nice?" - so I grabbed a treat and all hell broke loose. Ears went flying, growling ensues and overall madness took over. I figured that wasn't going to help. I then said, "Well let me start with the lazy fat one".

I fixed her Santa hat on and dragged her in to place (she was laying down like a dead corpse). I laid on the floor and whispered "Pssst Daisy" and she looked at me and I started to take photos - she was loving it and kept on posing until the Aussie got jealous and laid right on top of me!

I slyly put his ears on and started getting photos of him too and then (as predicted) the little one wanted in - so I put her elf cap on and started getting photos of her. Even though I did not get them all together at least I got something and the Jealousy thing worked like a charm.

I guess I should have enjoyed having nothing to do today being that this week is going to be nuts, 3 dinners and a screening. I am not all that good at not having anything much to do. I'm a planner that needs a list and if I do lay in bed it's because I planned it that way but I hate leaving things up in the air.

Not really my forte and as you can see I go a little goofy and do things like dress up the dogs. I must say though all in all I had a good laugh from it. Enjoy the pics from my 1st ever DOG PHOTO SHOOT!

The Door

Okay... I have three nephews.

Their mother is a teacher (I tell you this because you expect that teachers should have insight into raising, disciplining, and otherwise dealing with CHILDREN).

Their father is a civil engineer who owns his own small company. He is educated, intelligent, and doesn't think twice about making his employees cry... I tell you this because it is important to my story.

Now their three children are all boys 6-12.

The youngest is the favourite (a point my sister makes all the time - in front of her other two children - WTF?) he is also a bit of a bully.

He middle child whines profusely, until he gets his way, has had major sleep issues.

The oldest... well... he's 'special' and not in a good way. See he’s smart. Not brilliant Einstein material, or even skip a grade smart, but a just a kid who does well in school. But that is not why he is special.

He is special because he does things like, when asked to go make his bed, he tells his mom that she's ugly and stupid, and he doesn't have to listen to her or do anything that she says. He is special because once when his father said "no" to him, he turned around and slapped him across the face in front of 50 family members and a full house at a restaurant (he was 9 at the time). He is super special because he used to make my sister in law late for school every morning - on purpose - because he refused to get dressed (this was last year). He has also, refused to eat for 24 hours because while they were moving, one of the boxes of his DS games got lost and he wanted them all replaced immediately (this was three months ago). He used to share a room with the middle child and tell him things at night like - someone was going to break into the house and kill him (they were 6-8 at the time) He did this all the time and my middle nephew developed a sleep disorder. I am not kidding you! When asked, my oldest nephew says that he hates his parents, and he often says it out loud. My daughter turned to him at a party one night and said "go and stand with your mom and dad I want to take a picture." He said, "no their losers." My daughter told him never to talk like that again about his parents or she would dismember him, AND to get his ass over and do what she said. (She's 22 and doesn't take ANY SHIT!)

He did.

Now I know this child sounds a little like a monster... and realistically he is, but a lot of it is his parent’s fault. See... My sister in law and brother in law refuse to hit their kids. Now I firmly believe - to each his own, when it comes to raising a family, and I get it if you don’t want to spank, but then you had better have something else in place that works as a punishment. It had also better be meaningful and consistent, especially as they get older. And taking a toddler and locking him in a closet telling him that the momo’s (monsters) are going to get him, I think ultimately is far more damaging than a smack on the butt. This can also be said for pulling his hair, or almost yanking his arm out of its socket, and oh yeah, reminding him that he is the least liked of your kids.

When I see some of the behaviour that this kid is allowed to get away with, I want to smack his parents. My brother in law's response to his son's behaviour is to side with the kid when my sister in law tries to punish him – his explanation being... "he's a smart sensitive kid, just reason with him". I personally believe this is bullshit! He’s a monster; one that they have created, and since my sister in law has no support from her husband – with regards to punishing him, her son has NO respect for her. The worst of it is the younger kids see it too, and ultimately behave the same way.

His most recent act of specialness?

Two weeks ago he locked himself in the bathroom for two days straight. Now I asked my husband what he would have done had it been one of our kids. He said without hesitation - kick the f*ing door in. I, being a tad less violent would have popped the hinges, snapped the lock, and then I would have taken away his DS, laptop and games. I also would have made HIM pay for the door and lock to be replaced and hired someone to fix it just so I could bill him for that too (the kid has money – allowances, and gifts). I believe such behaviour should hurt where it matters most. None of this reasoning, bartering, or time out shit - he is well beyond that being of ANY VALUE.

What did my sister and brother in law do? They left him there. Called my in-laws to come over (an hour’s drive in each direction) for both days, so they could go to work, and he wouldn’t be left home alone... Then they made my in-laws babysit him for the weekend where he was allowed to go out to the mall and buy stuff, and have run of the house.

Has he learned anything? If he has, it wasn't anything of value to the rest of society.

This child terrorizes his household, and I feel like shaking his parents. They have done this to him by simply letting him do whatever he wants without him having to face the consequences. Would you give your child that much power?

Home Sweet Home

Well I'm definitely back from vacation! The moment I got home I had my list of things that needed to be accomplished and I dove right in. I was proud to say that my Christmas cards went out and all thanks to a bit of jet lag. It does come in handy sometimes!

I even got organized and started on my wrapping. I have things that need to be sent to the UK so I needed to get them all ready to go so that they would get there in time for Christmas. My kids all liked the little wooden toys I brought back and seemed to glow with excitement of me being home.

I got a nice nip from my dogs as well. I have a ton of new movies that I am gearing up to see and tons to catch up on on my lovely Tivo. My husband did a great job holding down my fort while I was away and that always makes me happy. Everything was in order and handled like as if I had not left. No dogs falling off the balcony, no holes in my antique rug and not a bump or bruise on the kids. It's safe to say that he Momed it well.

The best part about leaving will always be coming home and being greeted by smiling happy little faces. I look forward to the time when my kids are old enough to travel with me and enjoy what they are seeing. Right now all they like is Disney boat trips and the onboard kid camp that they offer.

I found Prague to be a really clean and nice place to spend a few days but would suggest seeing it in the Spring as opposed to when I went. It was cold and grey and a lot of the palaces and gardens were closed. I had a great time catching up with my friend and that can make any gloomy day sunny even when wrapped like a bandit in the freezing cold.

I will be updating my site as often as I can during this Holiday Season. I would love to hear from you and your stories during the Holiday rush. There is always something to throw a wrench in things when you are racing toward the gift buying finish line and we all know how much I love a good horror story - so please feel free to share.

Czech Please

So as we all know I have been in Prague for a week and although it is cold I have not had the enjoyment of any snow. I will be writing up all about the fun and not so fun things to do while there in my travel section when I get back but for now I will just share with you one of the more ridiculous stories I have from my time spent here.

Everything here is within walking distance and sometimes you get a little turned around and lost but more often than not you don't. We decided at around 8pm to go for a walk but this time taking a different route than we normally do. Usually we go across the Charles bridge but I wanted to go a more interesting way to see what new things we could see. (By the way as I am writing this blog the guy sat in front of me STINKS like you wouldn't believe... why me!). Anyway, as we wander we decided to stop at this little restaurant in the Jewish area called Golem. The menu looked good and it had a nice atmosphere. For some reason at that point my friend said "Make sure they take American Express" - I said I had brought my Mastercard as well just in case. I am used to doing that being that not everywhere takes Amex ("That won't do nicely" is the usual response!).

We sat down and ordered our food and it wasn't bad, I had Goulash being it was so good the last time I had it.

After the meal I asked for the check and it came to czk 1100 (that's like 70 bucks) - anyway, I throw down my card and the man comes over and says NO Credit cards. I was like, "Well, how about this one?" and he said NO...MACHINE BROKE - and walked away.

Now at this point the Vegas girl in me said 'fuck em' - if they can't post a sign saying no credit cards I guess it's a free meal. Happy day for me but my friend pulled out whatever money we had left and started to count it and it came to 800czk. It looked like we were going to have to leave all our money even though it wasn't enough.

Fine...but this is so not our fault and the establishment should have posted something. The man came back over and I said "Look sir I'm really sorry but this is all we've got". He said, "Sorry, no - you need pay". I said "No where does it state that you don't accept credit cards" and he said ok let me try to see if machine works.

He comes back to say "No work" and gives me a look like I'm some kind of deadbeat for not having anymore money on me. So my friend said we will come back tomorrow and pay the rest and I was like, ummm, no this is not our problem and now we have to walk all the way back in the pouring rain due to no cab fare. So that's just what ended up happening.

We end up walking all the way back getting lost along the way to just add to the aggravation. So - we were lost and cold and wet when we finally got back to the hotel. The whole way back I kept on about how this was not really our fault and that we shouldn't go back but my friend is a lot nicer than me and said "I will go back in the morning to pay the rest".

The next day we gathered up some cash and while I took a nap my friend went all the way back to the restaurant and gave them the money. Once there they gave all kinds of attitude and about the fact that we were paying it late or something. They didn't even say 'Thanks for coming back'.

NOTHING - just a dirty ass look and an annoying manner. Lesson learned for me was that I should have left them with a smile and took a damn cab home. I am not sure what they expected from us. Fix your damn machine or be prepared to foot the bill for the meal. A sign would have took 2 seconds to place on the door and saved me and my friend a lot of aggravation. It's not like the place around the corner couldn't have offered us a good meal and maybe even a smile at the end of it.

I am now starting my long journey back to the states and by the time you read this I will be home. There will be a lot of new things up on the site over the next week in Travel, Fashion and tons of movies. It's Oscar season and that means all the screeners are in so I will be making a big effort to get through most of them, along with the occasional premiere!

Got Wood

Well it seems no one is safe from scandal these days. The poster boy of golf with all his good values seems to be a real scum bag. I am sure you all have heard about his so called car wreck and how his wife took a club to the window of his SUV to rescue him from the car. Well that has been some sort of mystery as to why Tiger slammed in to a neighbors house and tree in the first place.

When they ruled out alcohol it was then a free for all as to what the fuck happened. That's when the girls - yep the GIRLS - started coming forth with text messages in hand and talks of 3 year long affairs. Just a quick aside on text messages...ARE YOU THAT STUPID? I mean who texts an affair? You are bazillionaire Tiger Woods, you don't think that cheap pussy is going to use that one day. It's not like you have movie star looks. No offense.

Now, yes being a sports star has its perks as a man just like being a rock star, we all expect a little on the road nookie and I for one expect that of most men. They are of a weaker species and just like a 6 year old with a big fat lollypop they sometimes can't help themselves and women, well they are so scandalous that they will do whatever they can to get a piece of fame and fortune along with the bragging rights of who and what they did.

It's a shame that family values took a shit but it did and I for one blame the media and all the crap train wreck reality shows that are gobbling up all the time slots on TV. If it's not the dim wit fuck that used his kid to lie about a flying balloon to get on a reality show it's scores of bimbo type blondes and gaudy bad mannered housewives making them selves look a fool to get in the rag mags.

Tiger Woods is one of the greatest golfers of our generation and I for one am disappointed that the one sports star that I thought was raised with family values turned out to be a big fraud. I guess with all that fame and money you just think that you are the king of the world and that values and honesty are something that is expendable and that's a real shame.

I hope that the man gets his shit together and his wife is able to hold her head high after all this. Now it seems he will be remembered for more than just golf.

Shame on you Tiger Woods. Let's hope you come back with a shit load of apologies to your WIFE AND KIDS. One affair I can see and maybe overlook but 3...that's just nasty.

Crosby Brings a Holy Night

Things here in the family have been rough lately. I shouldn't say lately, I should say for a long time. But when I moved in with my grandparents, two people who have cared for and supported me my entire life, I did not expect the rough patches to follow me.

Well, the holiday season is upon us and things are getting a bit touch-and-go. Thanksgiving I stayed home while the grandparents spent time with my great aunt and uncle and it was kind of a calm down period for myself. I love the fall/winter seasons, but that is usually when my depression kicks in full gear and hits to the point where I am either completely crying during the night, or yelling at somebody for no reason. Either way, I'm taking things out on my grandparents for no reason.
One of the great things I have with my grandmother, is I am usually able to talk to her without getting upset. Unfortunately, that hasn't happened as of late. It’s kind of at the stage where I just isolate myself from them and do my own thing. Which is very sad.

As I was beginning my Christmas-season music listen tonight, my grandma—who is somewhat knowledgeable about the basics of the computer, but not the great websites out there such as YouTube, heard me listening to “A Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives. She came into the office, and asked me, “If there is anyway you can ever get ‘O Holy Night’ by Bing Crosby, please record it. I haven't heard it in three years.”

YouTube became my friend once again. I blared the speakers and she came in. She was a very happy. At least for a moment—until she began to cry. I realized that they were tears of joy, and that she was finally able to reunite with this song after three years.

I've been listening to the song on replay ever since I first listened to it. Although, I did ask my grandma what attracts her to this song so much. “It's my favorite song.” Well, grandma, you may not be reading this, but I want you to know you're my favorite person. And I'm glad I could do something good for once out of these last couple months.

"Why my wife's so fucking fabulous..."

Gorygirl, AKA Jennifer Zuiker, is my wife and my best friend. Best friend, in a sense, that we laugh our asses off and get along better than anyone. We rarely fight and if we do, it's about something stupid like printer ink. Long story.

Anyway, she's off to Prague to see the world. Jennifer loves traveling. In fact, she's such a good traveler that she'll pack months in advance and then forget the most important thing. Like me! Kidding. She's got this really amazing travel agent named Lisa Banks out of Las Vegas. Lisa Banks is a self-proclaimed 'Farm Town' junkie and nocturnal hater of Greeks. She's Greek. So it's already hilarious. But Lisa Banks is probably one of the sharpest women I know. And she's a good friend to the sharpest woman I know. My wife.

I mean, how many wives would print out cool sports cars and put them on your bed, giving you the green light to buy one? Well, color me happy. I might just have to do that. Jennifer tried to bring me into Tesla. The electronic car dealership, not the band. When she logged into the Ferrarri website, the "sign says you got to have a membership card to get inside." Huh? So Jennifer got into the Ferrari site and signed me up. I just might take Saturday with my son to test drive a few. We'll see. It's going to take a lot to get me out of the house this Saturday, it being the last official week of college football and all. Choices, choices.

Anyway, why my wife's so fabulous. Ten "fucking" reasons.

One, she's fucking loyal to the people she cares about. If there's ever a woman you want on your side, it's her.

Two, she'll fucking call you on your shit. And if she says, "You know I'm right." She's right and you're wrong. Trust me.

Three, she's fucking hilarious. Do you know anyone else who sits in bed and sings her own delightful rendition of "Gardening" while she's harvesting in Farm Town.

Four, she's a fucking tough mother. Our kids can't get away with shit. And they know it. My kids are so popcorn boxed they dream about Orville Redenbocker.

Five, no matter how nasty I get in a fight, she never ever fucking hits below the belt. She shows a lot of class and respect in the heat of battle.

Six, she's fucking festive. This woman takes such great care and pride in everything she does from her Halloween party to our house at Christmas to framed pictures. And if she wants a picture out of a sealed frame, she'll cut it out with a mail opener. Done.

Seven, she's fucking sexy. When my wife doll's up, she'll totally yummy. Like the girls on "So you think you can dance" yummy.

Eight, when she fucks up a cooked meal, she admits it. After several moments of silence, she'll take all the plates and say "That's all..." And dump them. Fucking hilarious. Much to the relief of me and the kids. Dogs, too. She's a great cook though. Almost as good as our Nanny Kourtnie. Kidding.

Nine, she fucking knows me more than I do. My wife will crack me like an egg, scramble me up, and serve me up quicker than a Denny's waitress chirping "Grand Slam? Grand Slam?" She gets me and in a marriage, that's the key to victory.

Ten, she doesn't give a fuck if I have money or not. If we lost it all tomorrow, we'd be eating hella Hamburger Helper (or Tuna Helper).

I still contend that shit is good. Jennifer loves me. I so adore her. And I am the luckiest man in the world to spend this life with her. And that's why my friends, she's so fucking fabulous.

You did WHAT???

So... I am pissed. There is a long and terrible story behind this that I will quickly fill in... I wrote a novel two years ago... with a friend (or rather a friend at the time). It was a great story conceptually, and well written - the first time out. But it was also a monster. This novel took almost one year to write and was truly a blend of our work. I would write a chapter, send it to her and she would add her stuff - then she would write a chapter, and I would do the same. Now, her favourite saying for this process was - "I am the bones..." she would lay the foundation for the chapter. "And you are the meat" I would fill it in with descriptive narrative etc... From the outset we had an outline we worked from, and would change things as we moved through it. The novel topped out at 600 pages and read really well by the time we were done. Now I have to say, I am not obtuse, really... I am just a trusting soul and she was a total nutbag, backstabbing flake - and I am being kind.

That said, when we finished it, we started pitching it to different publishing agents. Midway through this process, she took it to a "friend" - a supposed editor, (without first running it by me) who suggested that we change it from first person narrative, leaving only the main character to speak in this particular style. I feel I need to tell you, that the whole first person thing had from the outset been her idea... What she had suggested was that each chapter be written in first person, based on who was the main character in the chapter. It wasn't my favourite way to write. I am into flow, and this method had the potential to make the novel more choppy than would like, but it has been done before and in the end we made it work. However once this editor person, suggested we change it (she said it as jarring to constantly be jumping points of view - my call from the outset but ce la vie...) - it was like we HAD to do it. Now let me tell you it was a HELL of a lot of work.

She took the first half of the novel and did the conversion, I took the last half. People, I laboured over 300 some odd pages, because - despite the fact that I am normally scattered - when it comes to writing or acting, I am very detailed to the point of being a bit of a perfectionist. I checked and double checked the part that I had changed, and then when we went back to adjust another plot point (a stupid idea that was NOT mine) I backtracked, and made sure it all worked (we actually argued about two of the changes I insisted on, because it didn't make any sense unless we made the changes) In the end she gave in on the two points because we had three publishers on hold for the first half of the book.

Now, I need to tell you that I didn't get a chance to go over her changes to the first half of the novel. We simply didn't have time and she was my partner, so I trusted that she was as meticulous as I was. NOT SO, apparently. Out of legal necessity, I still have a full copy of the final novel, and all of the original work, pre changes, and original chapters, pre-pre-changes.

Yesterday a request for a copy of my writing came down the pipe. I had applied to draft a script for someone based on an idea they have. I pulled up the novel intent on sending out a chapter that I had originally written. For some strange reason as I was searching I ended up grabbing one of the converted chapters that she had gone through and made the changes from first person to third person. This was what she had sent out to the waiting publishing agents. It was horrid! I was appalled! And horrified! All she had done was change the I-s to he/she s which made it read horribly. She didn't even try to make the changes read well, or for that matter work. I cannot believe she sent this out - really. I mean I know she was in a hurry. And admittedly by this time in our relationship I had realized that the reason her first book only sold like 10 copies... all to family I am sure... was because she rushed through it, didn't take her editor's advice, and it was riddled with errors, but I guess I had hoped that she had been smarter this time around. NOT! So there you have it... I am pissed. Belatedly so, Humph!

Bossman

Well the shit hit the fan today in the Zuiker house. Seems that we came home from Vegas and although some of the list of things were done there was a lot of it not done around the house. I pride myself on being a really laid back boss. I don't expect anyone to wear a black and white maid outfit or to scrub grout on their hands and knees but I do expect little things like the tops of my pictures dusted and the shelves. Well, my husband walked around and gave things a wipe here and there and lost his mind when he found inches of dust on things after being gone for a week.

Being the boss was something that we had never really experienced before. I always cleaned my house and did my own laundry and worked in a job where I had a boss myself, so I try to relax and not be that person that gets in employees ass too much.

It's hard to make the switch from employee to boss and I never really have gotten used to that role. I always seem to get attached and consider them an extended part of the family and I think little by little they seem to get comfortable and slack a bit.

It seems the husband is back in charge and is calling a meeting to go over all the slacking going on. I guess at some point you need to be the boss and just nut up or you will be liked but living in a not so clean house...

Eventually I think that I will grow in to the role and be more comfortable enforcing job criteria but for now the 1st step is to have the meetings and voice the issues. My husband is much better at doing this than I am and is most definitely better with people. I tend to come off sharp and not very polite. Yep me, that's right - I don't say please or thank you, I just say can you do this or that. I am more the bill doer and organizer and that's always been my forte. I can sort and organize like no other and that's usually my downfall with anyone I have ever worked with. I usually can do my job and theirs more efficiently so that's what I would always do.

I am the type of person that would take your order then make sure you had every possible thing you could possibly ask for, that way I was not being run back and forth. Inefficiency is something that drives me nuts!

I do that in my daily life and sometimes my husband doesn't and it makes me crazy. For example if I have a list of things to do and lists are important for crazed organized people like me (a Virgo) I start from the furthest point and work my way home. Instead of zig zagging my way everywhere. That's what some of my family does and it makes me loopy. I know that everyone has their own way of doing things but for me the one thing I learned is to at least hire people that do things like me and that way I will not be back seat driving their job and will most likely be less aggravated in the long run.

So far its been working and with the boss man taking over the boss bit, all things should work out in the end.

As for today I'm off to Prague and yes my suitcase has been packed and repacked for a week and all things are in order and accounted for but I always seem to forget that 1 thing. Not sure what that one thing is yet but I will be sure and let you all know when I come across it.

Blog you when I get there...